All across the United States, Christians are celebrating Christmas, a holiday that for Republican Christians is an observance that involves rituals of cognitive dissonance. These congitive dissonance rituals include singing songs promising “Peace On Earth” after voting for a candidate who promised to “bomb the shit out of them”, pledged to increase the number of deadly nuclear weapons, urged his followers to physically attack his enemies, and spoke gleefully about torture and the assassination of children.
Every year, there are arguments about the real meaning of Christmas. In the past, people who voted this year for Donald Trump have argued that the real meaning of Christmas is yelling at checkout clerks who say “Happy Holidays”. This year, however, Donald Trump himself has offered us a new true meaning of Christmas, in the form of his very own version of the story of the first Christmas, which follows below.
Once upon a time, the land of Israel was under the control of the Roman Empire. They really knew how to make a deal. They were winners. The people of Israel didn't win anymore. Losers!
The wise, strong Roman leaders decided to institute a Jewish registry. That made a lot of sense, given the violence of Radical Judaic Terrorism - a purely religious problem. So, an illegal immigrant named Joseph was traveling across borders looking for work. Wrong! Crooked Joseph went traveling with his pregnant wife back to his home town to try to cover it all up. He was expecting amnesty.
This guy Joseph expected a nanny state to take care of him. Give us a free room for the night, please. I don't think so! He didn't take into account that the hotel in Bethlehem was a private enterprise. It was a real high class place, with gold leaf all over the rafters.
Crooked Joseph's wife got pregnant before the wedding because God had come along and grabbed her by the pussy. You can get away with anything when you're an omnipotent supernatural being. So, she had to give birth in a barn. Joseph had not put money aside into the available Roman health care savings accounts, so he had no one else to blame but himself.
Just as their baby was born, three lying foreigners came to the same barn, looking for people to bribe with gold and stuff. Roman soldiers came and seized them before they could enter. They were part of a new imperial deportation legion. Ejecting eleven million illegals from the empire by the end of the year. No anchor babies in the empire! That's how to make Rome great again.
So, the baby named Jesus was brought up by Joseph to do the work of a carpenter. He went to work for a master builder named Donius Trumpius. He helped Trumpius build a giant new stadium for gladiatorial displays in Jerusalem. Eventually, Trumpius rightly declined to pay Jesus for his work, because Jesus wasn't a good negotiator. That's business! You're fired!
Jesus didn't have enough energy to get another job in real estate. So, he became a professional speaker, and came up with a lot of great insults against his enemies, like "hypocrite," "viper's brood" and "sinner". He gave some great speeches, too. The following are some highlights:
"Congratulations unto you that are rich! for ye have received what ye deserve. Good for you who are are full, for only losers shall hunger. Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep. Good for you, when all men shall speak well of you! You beat the false prophets!"
"But I say unto you which hear, kill your enemies, and intimidate them which hate you, curse back them that curse you, and plot revenge for them which despitefully use you. Unto him that hit thee on the one cheek punch the shit out of him; and him that takes away thy cloak should be made sorry for it. Sneer at every man that asketh of thee.
If you love them which love you, what good is that? Losers do that.
If you do good to those which do good to you, what good is that? Losers do that.
If you defeat your enemies and humiliate them, though, your reward shall be great, and your children will be able to make business deals with the Highest: For nobody forgets a person who can make a good deal.
Therefore be unmerciful, as your father was also unmerciful."
"A farmer went out to sow his seed. Some seed fell by the wayside. It was trodden down. The fowls of the air devoured it. Some fell upon a rock; and as soon as it was sprung up, it withered away, because it lacked moisture. Another farmer was born with a big pile of gold. He paid servants to chase away the fowls of the air, and clear the rocks, and water the seeds. He proved his superiority with a big crop."
"Once my disciples said, 'Thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to see thee.' I told them, 'Ivanka is here. Go back to live in the old penthouse.'"
Eventually, the Romans got sick of this little ingrate interrupting their rallies, and protesting. I remember, when I was young, if someone spoke out in that way, pow! He was carried out on a stretcher. The governor of the province said, "If any one of you who wants to go and knock the shit out of Jesus, I'll pay your court costs. He has it coming."
So, the Romans arrested Jesus, because he didn't sign the Jewish registry. They tortured him just for fun, which I totally get, because let's face it, waterboarding is not enough. So now he's dead, so what? The real problem in the world are these 'international bankers', if you know what I mean. Like Steve Bannon said, I wouldn't want my kids to go to school with them.
What? Look, I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking. That is the real meaning of Christmas, not this politically correct stuff you hear from the mainstream media.